An Open Letter to the

An Open Letter to the "Innocently Excluding"

by Aleasa Word, FAACT Vice President of Inclusion Initiatives

June 2025

The statement “life isn’t fair, and it isn’t always kind” sounds cliché—until the unfair and unkind thing happens to you. Suddenly, a flippant statement transforms into a heartbreaking moment. Recently I saw such a moment play out as a family member went through a situation with a friend’s family. The frustration of not being able to intervene when I simply wanted to scream, “What is wrong with that person?” was overwhelming. The “offender,” as I’ll call them, fully understood the gravity of the situation, yet viewed the other person’s food allergy as an inconvenience they could ignore.

Living with life-threatening food allergies can be tough. The emotional isolation that often comes along with food allergies can feel unbearable, especially for young people who are still navigating identity, independence, and inclusion as they find their voice. If you don’t have the right people around you—people who genuinely care and are willing to learn or act responsibly—it can be easy to internalize the message that you and your health are “too much.”

• Too much trouble.
• Too many restrictions.
• Too many questions.
• Too much to accommodate.

And let’s be honest: that message isn’t always said aloud. However, it doesn’t have to be for us to hear it as if it is blasting through a megaphone.

• It shows up in lack of coordination
• It shows up in the eye rolls in real life or the television skits mocking us
• It appears through the sighs and whispers
• In the “oops, we forgot to tell you the menu”
• In the “well, there will be some options” vague reassurance
• In the way people wait until the last possible minute to give important food-related information, so the allergic person is essentially backed into a corner with no time to respond, plan, or prepare

The unspoken message is deafening: “We included you on paper, but we didn’t consider you in practice.”  And let’s not pretend this is about knowledge. This is not about a lack of understanding anymore. Information is everywhere. There are countless resources, including the ones we provide at FAACT, to help people learn how to safely include someone with food allergies. Schools are aware. Parents have received multiple notices at the beginning of the school year regarding food guidelines in most schools. Event planners even ask when planning menus if a person has dietary concerns. Food labeling, though in need of improvement, often has simple ingredients spelled out and in some cases allergen disclaimers. This is not the 1990s. We have Wi-Fi for goodness’ sake.

This is about something deeper: control, convenience, and sometimes even a desire for some sense of power. And it’s exhausting.

I have seen this dynamic more times than I can count. I’ve felt the sting of being invited somewhere only to find out, once my family arrived, that “accommodations” were just an afterthought. I’ve seen my own family member shrink herself in public spaces because she doesn’t want to seem difficult. I’ve watched her nervously navigate social events that should be joyful, only to walk away from them feeling defeated. I’ve spoken to countless other young people who felt like a burden despite the hundreds of times we as parents tell them THEY are not the problem.

This most recent experience felt especially violating because it was so calculated. The passive-aggressive nature of it, the subtle sabotage, the weaponized “Oops, I forgot” behavior were all signs of someone who pretended innocence but operated with willful exclusion.

And what makes it even more disturbing is that these same types of individuals will show up to work, charity events or even church and perform their responsibilities with meticulous care. They’ll smile in the spotlight, volunteer for committees, and proudly fulfill obligations where their image is on display. They know how to follow protocols. They know how to take direction. They know how to be thoughtful when it serves them.

That’s the part that stings most. Because now we’re no longer dealing with ignorance.
We’re dealing with intentional disregard, disguised as innocence.

Let’s also be clear: there ARE people who truly don’t know better. However, those people tend to be curious. They ask questions. They do research. They send a text to double-check ingredients. They ask what they can bring or change. They take the time to try. And trying matters.

The people I’m talking about aren’t trying. They’re using plausible deniability as a tool of avoidance. They want to appear good without doing good. Often people don’t want to talk about this because it seems unkind to simply call them out. I say it is unkind and dangerous not to.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. There is the never-ending unspoken lie that somehow food allergy inclusion is simply asking too much. Consider this….out of the 365 days in a year, most people eat roughly 2.5 meals a day. That’s 912.5 meals a year.

So why is it that the two or three meals that need to be made with consideration for someone else’s health condition are seen as an infringement on someone’s lifestyle or comfort? Is it really too much to ask that someone else’s life be protected during one birthday party? One dinner? One gathering? One airline flight?

We’ve made space in society for a host of dietary preferences. We accommodate vegetarian, vegan, keto, religious and not medically impacted gluten-free eaters with ease. We make menu adjustments for people managing high blood pressure or diabetes without question. But a child, teen, or adult who could lose their life from accidental exposure to a food is somehow “too much?”

The math and logic doesn’t add up. As our young people say, “the math ain’t mathing!”

So, let’s call this what it is: selective compassion.

We must acknowledge that some people pick and choose what they’re willing to care about based on their own comfort. The moment inclusion requires even a little inconvenience or an ounce of humility, some people opt out. They dress it up in polite excuses or avoidance, but the impact is the same: exclusion.

And what’s worse, they’ll use language like,

• “We didn’t want to make a big deal about it.”
• “We didn’t know what to get, so we just didn’t.”
• “She can bring her own food, right?”

All while failing to grasp the emotional, logistical, and psychological weight that living with food allergies carries. Here’s the truth: food allergy families don’t need grand gestures. We need:

• Consideration and people who accept food allergies are normal.
• People who don’t treat our safety like a favor.
• People who ask questions before planning menus and don’t mind taking 10 minutes out of their day to read a label or send a text.
• Hosts, coordinators, friends, and educators who understand that inclusion isn’t just about presence—it’s about preparation

To those who’ve made people, especially our young people, feel like they don’t belong, please understand, the issue isn’t their allergy. It’s your inconvenience mindset.

And sometimes, it’s even deeper than that. Some people don’t have the level of self-awareness needed to realize they don’t do well when all the attention isn’t on them. They’re unwilling to include anyone else because inclusion threatens their sense of control or purpose. They don’t want the status quo to change, because that change makes them uncomfortable. And rather than face one moment of adjustment, they’ll allow someone else, someone vulnerable, to feel uncomfortable, left out, and even put at risk.

To everyone living with food allergies, please don’t shrink. Don’t apologize for existing. Don’t stay quiet to make someone else comfortable. What you are living with is a legitimate, serious health condition that millions of people navigate every single day. You are not asking for special treatment. You are asking for basic safety and human consideration.

This is not new. And the world has had more than enough time to learn. Organizations, communities, and individuals have the ability to support you. They have the tools, the resources, and the responsibility to do better.

So, speak up. Set boundaries. Expect better. You belong here, fully and safely.

To those who truly want to be better: Learn. Ask. Try. We don’t expect perfection, but we do expect effort.

At FAACT, we teach that inclusion isn’t optional. It’s a human right. And I won’t stop advocating until all my children, young adults, and adults alike are treated with the dignity they deserve. Food allergies are real. They’re serious. And the people living with them are not inconvenient.

• They are worthy.
• They are whole.
• And they deserve to eat, live, and belong safely.