Who's Really Fragile at the Table

by Aleasa Word, FAACT Vice President of Inclusion Initiatives

November 2026

November brings many families and communities to the table. The annual gatherings begin with turkey, stuffing, Grandma’s famous pies, and those incredible casseroles only one family member has the recipe for. For families managing life-threatening conditions, these gatherings can also bring a lot of stress and, in many cases, remind us that the tables at these gatherings can be one of the most dangerous places for us.

This month, however, I want to talk about something that shows up long before the calls start going about the menu. I want to discuss the idea of fragility. And yes, that word gets thrown around our community a lot. Ask a school to rethink a class party menu and you might be considered oversensitive or dramatic. Ask a relative to skip the nuts in the green beans and you might hear someone mumble, “The world doesn’t revolve around you and your kid in the bubble.” If you ask a planner to go over ingredients for a long-standing event, the space around you might get eerily quiet as they force themselves not to roll their eyes. The message is often the same: “You (or your child) are too fragile for the real world, and you need to toughen up.” Let’s dig deeper and look at the concept of fragility with clear eyes.

The Pattern Behind the Pushback

What happens when people are confronted with an uncomfortable truth about how they act? They often default to defensiveness because they feel attacked. They may get angry and even begin to argue. The conversation shifts from the problem to protection of their self-identity. This behavior shows up in the workplace, in our families, with our friends, and in communities in general. Most people have witnessed this, and many have done this.

Now, let’s put this in the context of food allergies. A parent/caregiver says, “Look, this food could cost my child’s life if they are exposed to it. Can we make the shared snack table allergy-friendly by making it tree nut and peanut free?” In this instance, let’s assume they know you are asking due to food allergies, a diagnosed medical condition (not based on preference or personal judgment about anyone’s cooking, choices, or traditions). Imagine what the responses might be.

I’ve been making this recipe for 30 years and not one person has gotten ill. I’m not changing it now.
So now my kid can’t have peanut butter and jelly because of your kid?
Good grief, when we were growing up no one had food allergies. We ate everything.
You can’t expect everyone to bend over for you.

See what happened here? A perfectly normal request was instead taken as a personal attack. The person who was asked to make an adjustment immediately started defending their identity instead of focusing on someone else’s safety. They felt that their recipe, traditions, freedom, and way of doing things was under fire. Many times, the person who made the request ends up apologizing for making people upset. So when we think of fragility, it may be more useful to look at the person pushing back rather than the person accused of being dramatic for wanting too much.

Flipping the Script

Psychologist Jennifer Freyd describes this pattern as deny, attack, reverse victim, and offender (DARVO). This pattern describes how some people respond when they are being held accountable, and it shows up in food allergy conversations more than most are willing to admit.

Deny: “Allergies aren’t that serious. A little won’t hurt.”

Attack: “You’re paranoid. You’re making your child feel left out. You’re babying them.”

Reverse: “I’m being punished for your problem. Why should my family have to give things up?”

Suddenly, a person with food allergies or person speaking up for them is cast as the aggressor. They often walk away feeling defeated, labeled difficult or fragile for simply standing up for a medical condition. They aren’t asking for anything over the top. Simple things like reading a label, washing hands, asking for separate serving spoons, or learning how to recognize signs of anaphylaxis are baseline safety asks.

Making Room Makes Them Feel Stuck

Now let’s talk about why many people get stuck in their thinking. Simply put, they often believe that making room for someone else means less room for them. But that’s simply not true.

From helping people across the street to waiting your turn in line, we all make space for others all the time. But when it comes to food allergies, somehow making room becomes an unnecessary inconvenience for some people. It’s a mindset shift that needs to happen, and we all can help.

Sitting With the Answers

The point is not to shame anyone. Defenses are part of human nature. But somewhere along the way, that need to defend ourselves led people to believe it is acceptable to be unkind or even attack people for asking for an accommodation for a medical condition.

What matters is what we all choose to do next. Before holiday gatherings this November, ask yourself one question: When someone asks you to consider their health condition, do you lean in or push back? If requests like these make you pause and feel agitated, ask yourself where that feeling is coming from. Do the same if you feel inconvenienced or resent being told what to do.

This is where personal growth can meet advocacy efforts. It’s where we can see the space between listening and reacting. For families navigating food allergies, know that you don’t have to accept the term “fragile” as your identity. Continue carrying your medications and educate those around you when you can.

The best version of celebrations is having everyone at the table together, where everyone can exist without fear or where children don’t have to sit alone in a separate area. With a little planning, a whole lot of compassion, a listening ear, and an open mind, we can move away from being defensive to being open to communicating. We can do this together.